alive...?

ashalope @ 2007-04-06T09:43:00

2007-04-06T17:05:27Z

I haven’t been myself lately…I pretty much mean that literally. That’s not an excuse, just some background information. And if the person I am writing this letter to is reading this, they will understand.
Part of the problem with not feeling like yourself is that at first you wish that you were yourself again. And then you start to analyze the things you really, TRULY, hate about yourself. Like the core flaws that you need to change.
That made me think about how I hurt people unintentionally. I don’t mean to be hurtful, and I don’t even realize I am doing it (that’s basically the problem). It’s something I need to change and this time I feel like I went too far. So this is where the letter begins. Again, if this person is reading this, they will know it’s for them. Otherwise, at least I’m getting my feelings out. So here...I'm taking a chance

***
You are pretty much the only person who has been there with me at my worst, with no complaints. You endured me saying things and doing things that hurt you, understanding that I didn’t know what I was doing and therefore, did not mean any of it. Even though I was so disconnected from reality, you stuck by me. I still don’t know why, but I know that I’m grateful for it. I don’t think that I deserve someone like you in my life, and maybe that thinking is part of the problem.
No matter how long it’s been since we’ve talked, you always seem to be there for me- no questions asked. And you seem to know when I need someone there, even when you can’t see me. I don’t understand why you do this, because I have hurt you so much.
I am so sorry. I don’t want to hurt you because you have never done anything wrong. You have shown me more than grace. You can say that you understand that I have issues, and maybe you do, but I don’t think that takes away the hurt that you feel every time I don’t treat you the way I should. I never do it on purpose. I never feel any urge or desire to be mean to you. In fact, if I could figure out a way to thank you for all of the ways you have been there for me and stuck by me…in some of the worst times; even when you didn’t fully understand what was happening, you just knew that if you weren’t there I would be alone…if I could figure out how to thank you, I would.
I know that a way to start is by communicating with you. Well, I need to work on my communication with pretty much everyone, but I think that you are pretty high on that list. I want to be a better friend. I want to be there for you when I am strong enough to be. I don’t want to lose touch with you. You’ve been a big influence in my life over a short period of time. The things you’ve said, the things you’ve done- I know that you know most people don’t treat me that way. And maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to accept your kindness. I’m not used to it. At least not without strings attached…BIG strings.
I need to change. I hate myself for the way that I have directed our relationship. I hate that I can’t even do simple things, like return a phone call, pick up a phone call, or carry on a conversation over the phone without feeling really awkward, self-conscious, and unintelligent.
I guess I’m scared. Not of you. But because you treat me, and have treated me, with a kindness, compassion, and perseverance that no one else ever has. I promise I’m not a bad person; some of the communication issues, and the fear issues come with my psychological issues. That’s not an excuse either, that just means that I need to work harder than most people to correct these behaviors.
Just know that I’m sorry. That I wish I could take away hurting you because I never want to. God knows you never deserve it. But the fact is that I have hurt you. And you continue to be there for me…you continue to try to get me out of this chaos that consumes me.
And I thank you for that. You don’t know how much it means to know that there is one person out there who has faith in me…who actually shows that they have faith in me. You expect me to succeed, long-term; most people are just waiting for me to fail.
I’m sorry. I am overcome with guilt. This is not a guarantee that I can change right away. But it’s something I want to work on. I can never take away the pain I’ve caused you. But maybe I can prevent causing you any more pain. I can’t do it perfectly, or start this process right away, like turning on a light switch. But it’s something I want. I need you to know this.
And I need you to know that I am thankful for you. I thank God for us meeting (I can still remember the first time we met). I’m so sorry for all of the hurt. I’m proud of all of the things you have accomplished and that your life seems to be heading in a positive direction. I want to know more about that direction. And that knowledge will come with communication.
Thank you for your faith. It’s stronger than you know. God has a plan for you. God has great things in store for you…how could He not? He’s equipped you well for the journey.
I wish I could make things better. Maybe over time. Better, not fixed…because I can’t change the past. But we’ll work on the future.
I’m sorry. Thank you. Thank you…

ashalope @ 2005-09-03T23:22:00

2005-09-04T06:25:46Z

please pray for me. i have been in the hospital for the last four days and i think the worst is pver, but im just hanging onto my life right now.
prayer, letters, callls, anything...please help.

ashley erbeck
1570 w maggio way 2073
chandler az 85224
4802516446 call ANYTIME im not sleeping
please help

:..{

happy "birthday" to me

2005-08-25T19:40:47Z

my rabbit...my baby, iirrie, died.
she was only two.

today is my one year sobriety birthday. no drugs...one year. last time i used was in the san diego airport when i was on my way to rehab. oh boy i was high as a kite when i got to rehab.

i'm going home today...i need a break from life.

friends only

2003-02-17T16:25:46Z

i have to make this friends only...if you aren't on my friends like and you want to be added, leave me a comment, IM me at asophoplopeyop5 or email me at ashalope@earthlink.net

valentine

2003-02-15T16:29:03Z

totally forgot- I got the best valentine ever....from my best friend melissa. she is so awesome i love her so much. it was the sweetest thing, made me cry. On the front there is a rose and it says :"there are some people you like from the MOMENT you meet them. You just click
INSIDE: It's friendship at first sight. And you both feel good knowing you're going to be friends for a long, long time. That's how it is with me and you. Happy Valentines day.

and she added: Ash- Just to tell you again, because we all need to hear the obvious from time to time: You are a beautiful and amazing person with your best days yet to come...kepp your chin up because you should be proud of everything you have done to get this far. Remember I am just a train ride up or down and I'm here for you. Smile babe, because you deserve it. Cheers...to friends forever...even in Boston.
With love and admiration,
Melissa

im lucky :)

da da da

2003-02-15T16:23:08Z

yesterday was hard. i got up early to go to the gym, then showered there. then i went to 7-11 for coffee and to the dr. because i had to get a physical. and a blood test (good luck finding my vein) and an EKG and an appointment for a bone density test.
then i went home and made cookies for marketing. they were little hearts with coco frosting and all different kinds of decorations. went to marketing, took the test, etc. went home and the earthlink guy came and installed it! yay.
no more aol, now my email is ashalope@earthlink.net and my AIM is asophoplopeyop5
ummmm picked up jesse and we went to a thai place. they gave the ladies all little soap shaped like roses, in a heart shaped box. so cute.
eating out is really hard. i tried...i pick the things out that i like...but uggh. jesse had the munchies so he ate like everything in sight.
we went to wherehouse after and i got sex and the city season one on DVD for $23.00. and i had a gift card so it was only 3 bucks :)
came home, watched "switchblade sisters" took jesse home and then did pilates.
not eating b-fast today because i ate out last night. i know, i know. maybe i will have some protein bar on the way to coronado.
jesse is perfect...i told him about my anorexia and he was just like "ashley, tell me what i can do to help you. i dont want to be just like sitting here while you're dealing with this." and I told him "just being my friend helps, and not treating me any different...like going out to dinner...that helps a lot."

ashalope @ 2003-02-12T14:57:00

2003-02-12T23:02:12Z

i got a governer's scholar award! it's only $1000, but hey, every bit helps. its from our STAR testing scores from last year. go figure- the only year i actually complete the test, i get an award. haha.
im off today...no therapy or anything. i have minimal homework because i have an AP econ test tomorrow. which i think i will do really well on. I got a 91 on my first one. ehhh...could have done better but the ones i missed, if you missed one you automatically missed the other...so i kind of screwed myself.
speaking of screwed....math whaaaat. i am so screwed because i have a quiz tomorrow and there is one section that i dont even understand. i have tried the homework for it like four times, but im sooo lost. it hurts to think about it. i need to go in early tomorrow to ask mr. w.
ahhh tomorrow will be hell, since I have 3 classes and then treatment...so that means no gym. but when i get home i'll have lots of time for pilates.
its pouring rain and totally flooded here...eww my jeans got very wet at school. which is very uncomfertable and coldasheck.
last night was terrible...i'll write more about that later...right now i need to go drink some hot water because im FROZEN, not to mention my hair is soaking wet.

ashalope @ 2003-02-11T15:20:00

2003-02-11T23:22:22Z

in a nutshell:
had nervous breakdown last thursday.
went to santa barbara friday night - sunday morning
going through hell with everything now.
not doing well.
getting rid of AOL at the end of this week...will have earthlink, I believe.
more later when im sane

whirlwind

2003-02-06T16:22:27Z

im in a very high state of anxiety right now. i promised that friday i wouldn't go to the gym. and now that its thursday i am so nervous. i feel so much better when i exercise (of course, its my "drug")
yesterday i ditched 2nd period because mr. w was going to be absent anyway. went to SBux and ordered DECAF TEA! go me. it was really hard to do, because i wanted my americano, but im trying. and i started writing a letter to melissa. that's right, my best friend doesn't know that i have an eating disorder. im sure she suspects but ive never told her. its easy to hide when she lives 200 miles away. i dont know if i'll send it...but i want to. i cant tell her on the phone because i dont want to worry her...i dont know, i feel bad.
yesterday was a really bad day in general. in econ, which i love, i had to listin to people talk about how they got so wasted and it was so great...ugh. and then i went to pick up my graphic communications portfolio and mr. e said one of the nicest things ever to me. he said "im sorry that you dropped my class, because you honestly were my best student and i miss you." my jaw dropped. i got a 100% on my portfolio :)
then english was really boring, i couldnt even take notes because i was so tired...no caffiene will do that to you. well, i did have a diet snapple at lunch and i guess that has caffiene. but i had no energy. so i go home and gary's home. of course he annoys me. karen wasnt home and i didnt feel like waiting so i went to the gym by myself. of course my machine is broken and the other two are full. so i did stairs while i waited and as i was going to the elliptical some lady cuts in front of me and takes it. i was like "excuse me, i was next" whatever bitch. so i was already pissed b/c my routine got screwed up. then i come home and karen's in a bad mood. she fucking was snooping around my room and decided that since my pilates tape was in the VCR that i had done pilates tuesday night even though it was a night i said i wouldn't. she doesnt even fucking trust me. and i didnt do them either. but that made me mad so i did them last night.
we went to king's garden...its healthy schzuan food. and i drank like an entire pot of ginger green tea. yay.
ohhh i found a place that has fat free, dairy free, sugar free, low carb frozen yogurt. VERY low cal. so yay. its almost as good as penguins :) :)
now i need to do mira costa stuff....and pilates. i gymed it this morning. and i think i have a marketing test today...hmmm whatever.
and then ew at 3 i have the nutritionist which is crap and then treatment at 4. kill me now PLEASE.
haha the only amusing thing: yesterday i drove by the goats and these two were totally going at it. it was hilar. and there was this baby goat like hopping around them while they were fucking.

mixed up crazy

2003-02-04T16:30:07Z

i started treatment yesterday. it was the most exhausting horrendus day of my life. and i feel so overwhelmed and paranoid and am totally freaking out right now.
they weighed me. i turned around because i DO NOT want to know. but then i worrried, they know how much i weigh and they're judging me...but if i know, the low number will scare me but i also know that whatever it is won't be low enough. this is killing me. all i know is that im at a dangerous low weight. the only good thing she said was that they will let me stay at the lowest possible healthy weight.
and ew...they want me to get my period back...which i haven't had for 4 months now (i told them two) and i love it because i used to get SUCH bad PMS.
so last night when i came home, one would think that my parents would leave me the hell alone because im obviously exhausted...but no my mom keeps fucking like coming into my room when my DOOR WAS CLOSED and being like "why arent you sleeping?" because it was freaking 9 PM and i had to do pilates. i was trying to be good and i was going to reward myself with only 45 minutes, but she kept interrupting so i had to do 60.
they wont let me go to the gym two days this week. yesterday was one. and it killed me. today when i went i had to work extra long and extra hard because i feel like i never know if its going to be my last day. if they'd just let me go when i wanted to i wouldnt have to work so hard and could relax.
i havent told melissa. shes my best friend in the world and i cant tell her. it's my relationship goal for this week and i know im not going to be able to do it. because i dont want her to worry. im scared of what she'll say. she's known me longer than anyone and i love her so much and i want her to think that im okay. she didn't say anyrhing last time she saw me...and im scared of what she'll say when she sees me fat.
i have so much more to write but im too stressed right now because i need to do pilates and my marketing outline all in the next four hours and i feel like i dont have enough time. there isnt enough time in the world for me.

ashalope @ 2003-02-02T08:56:00

2003-02-02T16:56:43Z

i am going to graduate...i have to...i'm trying so hard but sometimes i feel like im really not going to make it. im scared as hell and treatment begins monday. tomorrow. but i told jesse. he's basically my best friend and when we were hanging out last night, i just told him. everything. and he wants me to get better....he's the first friend who i've actually told...i mean i think other people know, but they have no idea that this is what my life has been like since I was 12.

but speaking of last night. we went downtown to the gaslamp and went to fumari, this hookah bar. OMG, it was great. we did white peach and wild berry. it was so chill, we just sat outside (heaters!) and chilled and watched people go by. and there were tons of other people hanging out there too.
then we went to F Street hahaha. omg they have the sickest things in porn shops. wow. but...the pocket pussy exists. in 6th grade...omg thats when we discovered what it was. haha and i saw it.

my new website is up...i dont know if the fonts work correctly, but everything is DONE! www.fayemousjewelry.com yaaaay
today: gym, and miracosta and AP Econ work! sounds like a blast ::barf::

hit me owl

2003-01-29T16:13:37Z

i dont want to have osteopenia...i dont want to die or break anything. so why is this so hard for me. and terrifying...i am so scared that when i go to boston next year i'll be fat and it will be like four more years of high school. i just can't get nellie's words out of my head "People are nicer to thinner people. It's sad but it's just the way society works."

i almost got hit my an owl today. it was about 5:45 am and i was going to the gym when this OWL is like 3 feet from my windshield. he almost flew right into me but I braked and he just looked at me as he glided past. it was kind of cool, since i;ve never seen an owl up close before.
i finished fast food nation today. i completely recommend it to anyone. i'm expecting Michael Moore's 'Stupid White Men' in the mail any day now. i cannot wait to start that. anyone not familiar with Moore, rent Roger & Me, the Big One, or Canadian Bacon. he is pure genius.
oh man i've had way too much coffee today, it's only 8:15 and I've been up since 5:30 and I'm bouncing. well, i guess that's good, i need to project more energy so everyone will think i'm okay.
i'm going to go back to coffee bean and see if they're hiring. i wouldn't mind working there again. i love coffee and it's a whole new group. no more veronica to tell me that i'm going to hell because im not a christian.
well, i'd better go do pilates and then shower and actually make it to CB&TL before school at 12:35 hahaha this is my easy day. senior WHAAAAT

ashalope @ 2003-01-28T18:52:00

2003-01-29T02:57:53Z

i honestly dont know if im going to make it. im so depressed right now.
i had to go to my first "treatment" today. they're forcing me into what they called "intensive outpatient treatment." she kept talking about how i need to try that now so that i dont have to be in full residential treatment and what not. i cannot let them make me fat. and she promised me- PROMISED- that she would get my parents to lay off. becuase they're making it worse. but of course my mother, being controlling as usual, was back to yelling at me tonight. i tried so hard and there she goes fucking telling me im not going to college (like its her fucking decision). all because i wouldnt eat a freaking piece of bread. but she doesn't understand that i am trying and my stomach hurts so bad i cant stop crying because i ate dinner for her.
i feel disgusting and bloated and they're not going to let me go to the gym every day which is honestly going to kill me. i cannot function unless i feel good, right?
goddamnit i am so mad right now i want to throw up.

down

2003-01-28T15:35:56Z

haven't updated because i've been so busy and i feel like everything i write in here is negative and dull.
but...things have not been going very well. after spending all day shopping for tan pants and not finding any i decided i would try to gain weight. i cant wear j.crew, or banana right now because their smallest sizes are too big. and that pissed me off. i want to be thin...and i still can't see it...but when the only thing that fits is Seven and Earl because they make 24's...it just doesn't seem worth it.
maybe there is something else wrong with me? because i have lost so much weight lately...and i've been trying to do the opposite...i weigh somewhere in the 90's...but i just want to be pretty. i made a deal with myself, i would gain weight so that I fit into my Jill Stuarts because they are my favorite jeans...i just don;t want to grow out of anything i own. that terrifys me.
gotta go take the car in to be fixed before it gets crowded.

volleyball is officially done

2003-01-20T04:33:17Z

so i was supossed to be at the kick off classic this weekend. i went on saturday. but i can't do it anymore, as you could tell from my last entry.
first of all...i was asked on this team at the last minute, they wanted me to play DS or outside hitter...i have never played either position....all of the other girls on the team are younger than me, all jr.s and one soph. a bunch of them played together last year, etc etc...
the coach is really great, he was totally nice to me...but the girls...arrrgh some of them were so cruel i couldnt take it anymore...espically the coach's daughter, whitney. jess and alicia were totally nice, esp. jess...they were not the problem at all. and allie was cool too.
but whitney and her little clique hated me for some reason. i mean, i have played on teams where i havent "liked" everyone, but it's a team and you need to be civil...i was never mean to anyone, i just didnt go out of my way to be nice.
so whitney is just cold to me and yells at me all the time...like every ball the drops is mine, certainly not hers...and i would say something like "nice set" (lie) and she'd just glare at me. or yesterday during the game i asked her if she needed me to move up, or could she see the server...and she gets this freaking attitude and goes "WHAT" like she's so great i shouldn't even be talking to her. and THEN...oh this is great. I had the ball b/c it rolled under the net to me and I was like "who's serving?" kim says she is so, i'm holding the ball in my left hand right...and i go to toss it to Kim, but since i obviously cant grip with my left hand, it rolls off and kinda rolls to kim. well guess who makes this snorting laugh type thing and mumbles something that i think was along the lines of "good one." wtf did i ever do to her? its her whole little group...and they don't just exclude me, they do the same to jess and alicia and even allie to an extent.
whatever, i don't need their drama...and i certainly don't need to pay $2000 for a season where half my team hates me.
i'm just sad...because i've been playing since 6th grade...i was 11 when i started. and now it's over.
i wish i could move my hand. it would solve so many problems...

ashalope @ 2003-01-19T08:42:00

2003-01-19T16:38:37Z

i hate volleyball and i hate those girls.
i hope that someday someone is so mean to them that it's enough to make them quit doing something that they love.

ashalope @ 2003-01-14T09:13:00

2003-01-14T17:24:44Z

the server has been down everytime i've tried to update...and my life has been so hectic that i havent had time to be online much.
i had to quit my job because I have volleyball three times a wekk, plus tournements...haha speaking of volleyball, I got a letter last night from Graceland University in Lomoni, ILLONOIS asking me to play volleyball for them. A hardcore christian university. hehe, how did they ever get my name? they must have seen me play sometime last year...or the year before most likely, when I was at my best, setting wise.
anyway...i really want a job at starbucks now that i'm 18. i know i've done the coffee thing before, and i miss it. the reason i hated coffee bean was because it was so poorly run, it was ridic. i felt like i didn't fit in there and my schedule was not working with theirs. but i need money, i'm saving up all kinds for boston.
i want to move out so badly. i cannot make it until august at home. hopefully, i wont be around much this summer...because my house is terrible. my parents are trying to trick me into getting fat and it's making me more paranoid than ever. i can finally look at myself in the mirror without being completely horrified at how fat i am, and they are trying to take it away from me.
i refuse to give in, i dont care what they do to me. they think they are trying to help, but really they're making me feel uglier than ever before. i have to go, b/c im in class and people suck

depo..

2003-01-09T01:50:13Z

...well, the deposition was today. i was terrified going into it. but it turned out to be kind of boring. the lawyer was trying to kiss up and be all nice to me...sleazy like. but now im thinking of so many things i left out...but i can add them when i review the transcript. it took freaking two and a half hours. i was so bored, i cannot talk about anything for that long. my lawyer said i did fine, though.
so i didn't have to go to school, at least. i missed NOTHING, but i really should be studying for govt now. my midterm is in like a week. im freaking, because if i get an A, i dont have to take the final. which def. will be a beast.
yay, my mom signed the form for me to excuse my own absences now that i'm 18.
i'm scared...i was taking off my shirt last night, and lifted up my arms...and there were my ribs. like WOW. why havent i noticed that before. it made me want to vomit. i wish i could gain in only certain areas. i made a deal with myself, though. i will try, for my parents sake...i will do as much as i can, but if i grow out of my aber kids jeans, i'm done. i quit then. because they're a little too big for me, but i love them anyway...okay that all sounded so much better in my head.
gotta go start this govt stuff...at least its interesting stuff...it's civil liberties and civil rights

bored in first period

2003-01-06T17:42:09Z

What are you wearing?
medium denim jeans
thick navy webbed belt with cooper o-ring buckle
white support tank
light blue velour hoodie

How's the hair?
nice n' straight half up/half down with pretty ribbon in it

Current mood:
calm

Last thing you ate/drank:
a bite of Pure Protein bar (s'more flavor :) ) and coffee

Last thing you said/to whom:
"when do you get the caddy back?" to will

What are you listening to?
my graphic communications teacher talking

What's up for today?
school, racquetball!, then volleyball and then Boston Public is new tonight

Time you went to bed/woke up:
bed at 11, up at 6

5 Things you're thankful for:
1. my parents
2. BU
3. my kitty
4. my job
5. Jerome (my car)

without me noticing

2003-01-06T17:06:06Z

it's over...it is officially my second day as an adult...and i'm doing okay...i'm gonna make it.
after presents, i did pilates and then showered and blew my hair out very nicely. i love when my hair looks really good. got dressed, and we went to humphrey's. it's a really nice place down on Shelter Island, by all of the yachet clubs and stuff. brunch was really nice, it was buffet style and really fancy. the food looked so pretty that no one wanted to eat it. but it was cool because you could just sample everything...so it seems like you're eating a lot. my parents had mimosas...haha
then we drove to Viejas Casino. WOW. it's like disneyland. it was amazing. the people inside are the biggest group of white trash that I have ever seen, but it was a fun experience, nonetheless. i am $9.25 richer...hahaha woooo go me. yea slots are fun. but i almost died from all of the smoke...eww people were smoking inside and they were so lazy that they were eating MEALS next to their machines. that is just sick.
we got home fairly early, so i went to the gym. i know, but i had to. i need to feel good about myself to get better, right?
god, this is so hard. i want to get better for my parents...but i cant. i know it's selfish for me to want to be thin, but i cannot imagine eating 2000 calories a day, as my dr. insists. but at the same time i am so scared. i cant sleep on my stomach because of my ribs, pelvis, and hip bones. and my pants fit on top of my hipbones, but there is a huge gap between the waistband and me.
when did all of this happen? i wasn't really even trying...hard. i mean i wasn't eating like a fatty, but i was not starving myself...or was i? maybe i'm so screwed up that i dont notice. i think that all this thinking about it has made it worse though...i cannot concentrate on much of anything else. i just want to be healthy, but i dont know if im ready or able to do that at the expense of becoming fat

no longer a "child"

2003-01-05T16:29:33Z

well, its here. my 18th birthday. i'm officialy an adult! hehe, that sounds so funny.
So last night jesse and i were going out to dinner for my bday, but he called around 3 and said he decided to go to LA with some people instead. so i was pretty mad about that one...every birthday since i was 9 has sucked:
9-my great g-pa died
10- my g-pa died
11- my best friend has pneumonia and couldnt come to my party
12- two of my closest friends fought terribly all throughout my party. and my birthday present was getting my period for the first time.
13- it was pouring rain and we could go to magic mountain and then when we went my best friend couldnt go
14- one of my best friends kristin called me the day of my party and told me she was going to go see nsync instead
15- this other girl at school had the same bday as me and everyone (small school) was wishing her happy bday, etc...but no one said a word to me.
16- everyone (excluding my parents) forgot. even my best friend
17- i was sick, at my best friend's house in santa barbara and it took her awhile to remember it was my bday, she forgot to get me a present (not that i cared, but she TOLD me she forgot), and not one of my friends in san diego called to say happy birthday, they all claimed they forgot.
18- well, nothing so far...

so we're going to humphrey's for brunch and then to Viejas casino for some GAMBLING!
i got to open presents, very exciting...my big present was the black Coach signature demi pouch, which i had been wanting FOREVER. the wrapping was amazing :) and i also got Philosophy's "the snowman" which i was dying for. and then my mom had been at Old Navy the other day to get me a work shirt, so she picked my up some SUPER soft baby pink fleece PJ pants and a really pretty heathered coco colored lambswool sweater, which i may have to return because it's kind of big.
off to do pilates before i shower for brunch. i've never gne to brunch before, im so sheltered :)

its getting bad....er

2003-01-04T16:43:35Z

just copied from the board:
wearing: navy PJ pants with small yellow ducks wearing santa hats, white support tank, and navy hooded classic UCSB sweatshirt

last thing ate/drank: coffee

listening to: S&TC theme song

mood: manic-moody likewhoa

last thing bought: beading magazine

thinking about: all this junk that is going on...my parents are threatening to send me away, which i dont know, maybe would be the best thing right now. my arms, like upper arms, are the same size as my wrist...and let me just say that i have a very small bone structure which = very small wrists. but having my parents on my back about it is making it worse...it makes me more self conscious, so im eating even less. but i weigh about 100 pounds, and even the doctor was so shocked because my BMI was so low it wasn't chartable, so she had to look up the formula for the calculation. ive missed my period for 3 months or maybe 2...and she told me the reason i look so young is because i dont produce enough estrogen and am underweight. i'm 5'7" and should weigh from 125-145. i can never see myself at that weight. i cant eat normal meals because ive shrunken my stomach so small. i dont know what ive done to myself. but this is what anorexia and compulsive overexercising does...and now i have weak heart muscles, a higher risk of cancer, among other things. im so scared and frusterated. and tomorrow i'm going to be an adult... :/

doing today/tonight: helping nellie with math, going to the gym, sending my newest necklace order off, dinner with jesse b/c he's back from NYC...omg i got him the best bday present...i couldn't find the easy bake oven i wanted to get him, so i got him a Chia Taz

i want to die

2003-01-03T20:38:51Z

they are making it so much worse. watching me, writing down everything i do...FUCKING WHEN I GO TO THE GYM. 2 more days and i'm an adult and i dont have to do anything.
but two more days of hell. i cannot live like this...they make it worse by making me conscious of what i eat. the fact that they are forcing me makes me want to eat even less. and i cannot throw up, beleive me, ive tried.
but i cant stop crying because i am so fucking misrable...i just want to be independent
they're threatening to send me away...which isnt a bad idea because any place is better than here. they're killing me.

ashalope @ 2003-01-03T08:21:00

2003-01-03T16:18:35Z

yesterday was a really bad day...i cant write too much right now b/c im kinda paranoid...but people are trying to ruin my life and i cant handle it.
and i need to go to the bank today to get money to send my deposit to BU...it's the only way i'll know for sure that im there...is if i do it myself.
i feel horrible and bloated and disgusting and im so angry that i cant even type.

awake

2003-01-02T16:14:54Z

god, i finally woke up. i hate sleeping in. its 8:15 and i just got up and started my coffee. now im panicking because i have to go to the gym, go to rite aid, make a bracelet, finish my poetry paper, go to the dr. and then go to work. the dr. is at 2:45 and work is at 4. i dont have enough time to do everything.
and i am 18 in 3 days. an adult. wow. not like it'll really be any different, other than the fact that i can excuse my own absences. but really, the only way i can miss class is if i have a solid A in it already. otherwise, what would be the point. so i can basically miss english and marketing. govt...neeed to be there, math for sure, graphic communications is too hard to make up...oh speaking of that class, i need to whip out my karaoke powerpoint...if only i could find the requirement list...oops.
i dont know, its like...i dont care about school, but i get insanely jealous if i dont see an A on whatever it is i get back. i guess its because of outside pressure...everyone expects me to get a perfect grade...WELL HELLO IM NOT FUCKING PERFECT! far from . . .